


Voltron Text Fic

by thehoesthoeinallthelandofhoes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Autistic Keith (Voltron), Autistic Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), F/M, Gay, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith is thicc, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, M/M, Memes, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, THICC KEITH, Text Messages, Trans Keith (Voltron), allura and coran are confused, because I said so, but they have phones ??, hidge for the soul, i have a headcanon that keith is thicc ok, text fic, theyre still in the castle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10916748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehoesthoeinallthelandofhoes/pseuds/thehoesthoeinallthelandofhoes
Summary: Pidge managed to create devices similar to mobile phones for the paladins along with Coran and Allura. They meant for them to be used for practical things and general communication; instead, they got memes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is unrealistic but fuck you let me have this

**[Lance has added Keith, Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, Allura, Coran to the group chat]**

**[Lance has renamed group chat to Defenders Of The Universe]**

**Shiro:** has a nice ring to it

 **Pidge:** I made these phones for practical uses, I swear to god if you use them for memes, I will strangle you

 **Lance:** im 6 ft and youre 4'11

 **Pidge:** your point?

 **Lance:** can you even reach my neck

 **Pidge:** no, but I can run in between your legs and do even more damage

 **Hunk:** yeah get em babe

 **Keith:** hunk arent you supposed to be the responsible one

 **Hunk:** no thats shiro and alluras problem

 **Allura:** wait, why us?

 **Shiro:** because, to them, we're the space parents

**[Lance has changed Shiro's name to: Space Dad]**

**[Lance has changed Allura's named to: Space Mom]**

**[Space Mom has changed their own name to Space Mum]**

**Space Mum:** I may be from another planet, but I have dignity, you fucks.

 **Hunk:** pidge i think youve been rubbing off on allura with your... uh... creative language

 **Pidge:** I aim to please.

 **Pidge:** also, why are Allura and Shiro the only ones with nicknames? It's not fair.

**[Hunk has changed Pidge's name to: Pidge Podge]**

**Pidge Podge:** did you get that idea from my verbal stimming?

 **Hunk:** yeah... plus it's cute :)

**[Pidge Podge has changed Hunk's name to: Hunkalove]**

**Hunkalove:** creative

**[Lance has changed Keith's name to: Thicc Keef]**

**Thicc Keef:** is this your way of making fun of my curves?

 **Thicc Keef:** because thats a low blow

 **Lance** **:** WHAT NO

 **Lance:** i love your curves bb thats why ok i love your softness

 **Thicc Keef:** i am not soft you fuck

 **Pidge Podge:** whatever you say dude

 **Thicc Keef:** and here i thought you were on my side

 **Hunkalove:** you should know better than to trust Pidge

 **Lance:** wait someone give me a nickname

**[Thicc Keef has changed Lance's name to: Lancelot]**

**Lancelot:** i love it thanks babe

 **Thicc Keef:** wow you actually thanked me for once

 **Thicc Keef:** i might just let you sleep in my lap for that

 **Space Dad:** you guys are adorable im so proud of my space children

 **Space Mum:** Takashi.

 **Space Dad:** sorry

 **Space Dad:** our* space children

 **Space Mum:** thank you.

 **Coran:** wait, if you all get nicknames, then i want one too!

**[Space Mum has changed Coran's name to The Gorgeous Man]**

**The Gorgeous Man:** you know me well, princess.

 **Pidge Podge:** ok I hate to be a party pooper and break up this conversation but im bored keith come on

 **Thicc Keef:** what

 **Pidge Podge:** lets talk cryptids and stim cmon

 **Thicc Keef:** COMING

**[Thicc Keef has logged off]**

**[Pidge Podge has logged off]**

**Hunkalove:** those two really are good friends wow

 **Lancelot:** well i mean yeah

 **Lancelot:** theyre both short as fuck and therefore closer to hell

 **Lancelot:** of course theyre good friends

 **Space Dad:** but keith is 5'6? thats pretty tall?

 **Lancelot:** not next to me

 **Space Dad:** ah i see your point

 **Lancelot:** remember that time pidge dared him to wear my jacket and it practically drowned him? that was cute

 **Hunkalove:** oh yeah i remember that. you should get him to do that again it was pretty adorable.

 **Hunkalove:** anyway! im gonna get started on dinner.

**[Hunkalove has logged off]**

**Lancelot:** aight well im gonna find those two midgets and see if i cant join in on the stimming. feeling pretty restless without the meds yaknow

 **Space Dad:** ah right. well have fun

 **Space Dad:** not too much fun though. we dont need any baby paladins

 **Lancelot:** good god shiro 

 **Lancelot:** im leaving because wow

**[Lancelot has logged off]**

**The Gorgeous Man:** well I'm going to check up on the castle defences. Goodbye!

**[The Gorgeous Man has logged off]**

**Space Dad:** well seeing as its only us left i propose we put down the phones and actually spend some time together

 **Space Mum:** I'll see be waiting in the common room

**[Space Mum has logged off]**

**[Space Dad has logged off]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the legally blonde musical is one of my faves ok
> 
> its right up there with heathers
> 
> also i got this idea from a youtube video lmao

**Pidge Podge: [1 image]**

**Thicc Keef:** is that a picture of me?

 **Pidge Podge:** yes. now. *cough cough*

 **Pidge Podge:** There! Right there!

 **Lancelot:**????

 **Pidge Podge:** look at that tan, well tinted skin.

 **Thicc Keef:** oh my god no

 **Lancelot:** oh my god yEs

 **Pidge Podge:** look at the killer shape he's in.

 **Space Mum:** what's happening?

 **Space Dad:** dont ask. you dont want to know.

 **Pidge Podge:** look at that slightly stubbly chin.

 **Thicc Keef:** im not on t how could i have stubble

 **Pidge Podge:** oh please he's gay, totally gay.

 **Hunkalove:** I'm not about to celebrate. every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. that guy's not gay, I say not gay.

 **Thicc Keef:** guys please no im gay we get it

 **Lancelot:** that is the elephant in the room

 **Thicc Keef:** oh my god not you too

 **Lancelot:** well is it relevant to assume

 **Lancelot:** that a man who wears perfume

 **Thicc Keef:** i dont even HAVE perfume

 **Lancelot:** is automatically radically fey?

 **Thicc Keef:** this is it. youre not allowed to go anywhere near my ass for a week.

 **Space Dad:** but look at his coiffed and crispy locks 

 **Thicc Keef:** NOT YOU TOO

 **Space Mum:** look at his silk translucent socks

 **Thicc Keef:** how do you??

 **Space Dad:** (because of me)

 **Thicc Keef:** oh fuck you

 **Hunkalove:** there's the eternal paradox. look what we're seeing.

 **Space Mum:** what are we seeing?

 **Hunkalove:** is he gay?

 **Thicc Keef:** YES i AM now STOP

 **Space Mum:** of course he's gay

 **Hunkalove:** or euroPEAN?

 **Thicc Keef:** IM KOREAN

 **Lancelot:** ohhhhhhh

 **Lancelot:** gay or european?

 **Thicc Keef:** im asian for fUcks sake

 **Lancelot:** its hard to guarantee

 **Lancelot:** is he gay or european?

 **The Gorgeous Man:** well hey don't look at me!

 **Thicc Keef:** YOU TOO ??

 **Space Mum:** you wee they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.

 **Space Mum:** they play peculiar sports.

 **Lancelot:** in shiny shirts and tiny shorts

 **Thicc Keef:** ive never worn shorts in my life shut up

 **Pidge Podge:** gay or foreign fella?

 **Lancelot:** the answer could take weeks

 **Pidge Podge:** they both say things like "ciao bella"

 **Thicc Keef:** for the LAST TIME IM KOREAN YOU FUCKS

 **Lancelot:** while they kiss you on both cheeks

 **Space Mum:** oh please.

 **Pidge Podge:** gay or european?

 **Lancelot:** so many shades of grey

 **Hunkalove:** depending on the time of day the french go either way.

 **Thicc Keef:** what does that even mean?

 **Pidge Podge:** is he gay or european?

 **Lancelot:** ooooor

 **Space Mum:** there! right there!

 **Space Mum:** look at that condescending smirk.

 **Thicc Keef:** i dont smirk like that

 **Space Mum:** seen it on every guy at work.

 **Space Mum:** that is a metro hetero jerk.

 **Thicc Keef:** HEY

 **Space Mum:** that guys not gay, i say no way.

 **Pidge Podge:** that is the elephant in the room.

 **Lancelot:** well is it relevant to assume

 **Pidge Podge:** that a hottie in that costume

 **Space Dad:** is automatically-radically

 **Hunkalove:** ironically chronically

 **Space Mum:** genetically medically

 **Lancelot:** GAY

 **Pidge Podge:** OFFICIALLY GAY

 **Space Dad:** OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY

 **Hunkalove:** DAMNIT!

 **Pidge Podge:** gay or european?

 **Thicc Keef:** i actually give up on you guys

 **Hunkalove:** so stylish and relaxed

 **Lancelot:** is he gah or european?

 **The Gorgeous Man:** I think his chest is waxed!

 **Space Mum:** but they bring their boys up different there.

 **Space Mum:** it's culturally diverse.

 **Space Mum:** it's not a fashion curse.

 **Pidge Podge:** if he wears a kilt or bears a purse

 **Thicc Keef:** i dont wear fucking kilts what the fUck

 **Pidge Podge:** gay or just diverse?

 **Lancelot:** i still cant crack the code

 **Space Dad:** yes his accent is hypnotic

 **Thicc Keef:** my accent is korean its far from hypnotic

 **Space Dad:** but his shoes are pointy toed.

 **Thicc Keef:** my shoes are red screw you

 **Pidge Podge:** huh

 **Lancelot:** gay or european?

 **Lancelot:** so many shades of grey

 **Pidge Podge:** but if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on saturday

 **Thicc Keef:** EW NO

 **Lancelot:** is he gay or european?

 **Pidge Podge:** gay or european?

 **Lancelot:** gay or euro-

 **Hunkalove:** Wait! give me a chance to crack this guy. i have an idea id like to try.

 **The Gorgeous Man:** the floor is yours!

 **Hunkalove:** so mister kogane... this alleged affair with miss Altea has been going on for...?

 **Thicc Keef:** im not playing along

 **Lancelot:** (if you do ill do that thing you like)

 **Thicc Keef:**...

 **Thicc Keef:** 2 years.

 **Hunkalove:** and your first name is again is...?

 **Thicc Keef:** *sigh* Keith.

 **Hunkalove:** and your boyfriends name is...?

 **Thicc Keef:** Lance

 **Thicc Keef:** (i hate you guys) sorry! i misunderstand. you say boyfriend. i thought you said best friend. lance is my best friend.

 **Lancelot:** YOU BASTARD

 **Lancelot:** YOU LYING BASTARD

 **Lancelot:** THATS IT

 **Lancelot:** I NO COVER FOR YOU NO MORE

 **Lancelot:** peoples. i have a big announcement.

 **Lancelot:** this man is gay AND european

 **Lancelot:** and neither is disgrace

 **Lancelot:** youve got to stop youre being a completely closet case

 **Lancelot:** its not her hes seeing no matter what he say

 **Lancelot:** i swear he never ever ever swing the other way

 **Lancelot:** you are so gay

 **Lancelot:** you big parfait

 **Thicc Keef:** what even

 **Lancelot:** (shh) you flaming boyband cabaret

 **Thicc Keef:** ugh

 **Thicc Keef:** Im straight!

 **Lancelot:** you were not yesterday (really he wasnt ;)) 

 **Thicc Keef:** oh my god

 **Lancelot:** so if i may im proud to say

 **Lancelot:** HES GAY

 **Pidge Podge:** AND EUROPEAN

 **Lancelot:** HES GAY

 **Hunkalove:** AND EUROPEAN!

 **Lancelot:** HES GAY

 **Space Dad:** AND EUROPEAN

 **Space Mum:** AND GAY!

 **Thicc Keef:** FINE ok im GAY (and also asian)

 **The Gorgeous Man:** Hooray!

 **Thicc Keef:** ok are we done now? can i go back to the piece and quiet of my room and stim toys?

 **Pidge Podge:** yeah you can go

 **Pidge Podge:** i think its about time we trained anyway

 **Space Dad:** yeah definitely

 **Thicc Keef:** good

**[Thicc keef has logged off]**

**[Lancelot has logged off]**

**[Pidge Podge has logged off]**

**[Hunkalove had logged off]**

**[The Gorgeous Man has logged off]**

**[Space Mum has logged off]**

**[Space Dad has logged off]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2M0pOA4B_IM
> 
> enjoy my guys


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a short chapter only because the next one isnt going to be a text fic and its going to really fluffy youre welcome

**Pidge Podge:** Keith you autistic fuck give me my stim toys back

 **Thicc Keef:** pidge you autistic fuck i dont have your stim toys

 **Pidge Podge:** Lance you adhd fuck give me my stim toys back

 **Lancelot:** how the fuck did you know i took them ??

 **Pidge Podge:** youre the only other neurodivergent on this ship 

 **Lancelot:** alright alright but next time we go to a space mall you guys owe me at least two toys seeing as you never learned that shARING IS CARING BITCHES

 **Space Dad:** language

 **Pidge Podge:** weve been cursing for like 8 minutes and you only fucking show up now?

 **Space Mum:** language.

 **Lancelot:** oh dear god shiro what have you done to her

 **Hunkalove:** well at least this should break up any arguments or rivalries much quicker *cough cough* lance *cough cough*

 **Lancelot:** hunk buddy i thought you were my friend why you gotta do me like this

 **Pidge Podge:** oh boohoo go cry to your boyfriend

 **Thicc Keef:** hey hey hey i didnt start this dont make it my responsibility 

 **Lancelot:** HEY

 **Thicc Keef:** hi

 **Lancelot:** ok i cant tell if you were being sarcastic or if you geniunely didnt know i was trying to come across as annoyed but eiTHER WAY GET YOUR ASS BACK INTO THE COMMON ROOM

 **Thicc Keef:** first of all: i didnt know you were annoyed woops

 **Thicc Keef:** second of all: im coming dont get your fucking panties in a twist

 **Lancelot:** i do NOT wear panties YOU DO YOU FUCKASS

 **The Gorgeous Man:** language, paladins!

 **Space Dad:** also thats a bit tmi

 **Space Mum:** tmi?

 **Space Dad:** Too Much Information

 **Space Mum:** oh

 **Thicc Keef:** ANYWAY now that everyone knows that i wear panties despite being a trans guy and allura has learned what tmi means can i suggest something

 **Hunkalove:** I dont see why not

 **Thicc Keef:** since we have a few days of down time i propose we have a sleepover in the common room

 **The Gorgeous Man:** a sleepover?

 **Lancelot:** like we all just hang out in the same room at night and play games and all that good stuff

 **Pidge Podge:** its a school girl earth thing

 **Thicc Keef:** it is NOT

 **Lancelot:** it kind of is babe

 **Space Mum:** it sounds like a nice bonding exercise. I say we should.

 **Thicc Keef:** in your fucking face lance

 **Space Dad:** keith be nice to your boyfriend

 **Thicc Keef:** i dont have to listen to you Takashi youre not my real dad

 **Pidge Podge:** oooooooh

 **Lancelot:** oooooooh

 **Hunkalove:** ooooooooooh

 **Space Mum:** oooooooh

 **Space Dad:** youre all grounded

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promised fluff and i dont break my promises often
> 
> also i think this might count as crack because memes and all yaknow

 "Hey, where are Keith and Pidge?" Hunk asked. Shiro, Hunk and Lance had stolen all of the pillows and blankets they could find in all of the castle and had made a pile in the middle of the common room for their sleepover. Allura and Coran were sitting on the side of the pile in their pyjamas, talking excitedly over what this new and fun experience might entail while the other three paladins were sitting in the middle, waiting for the rest of their group.

 "Last I heard, Pidge was getting changed and earlier I saw Keith just leaving the shower. They should be here soon," Lance explained. As if on queue, they suddenly heard what could only be described as a stampede coming from the hallway and laughter that sounded distinctly like the red and green paladins. Lance and Hunk stood up to see what was going on, only to fall back down again when their significant others all but flung themselves into their arms. They were both only in their underwear and t shirts (though keith wore his jacket), neither in their binders for added comfort, Keith's hair still slightly wet dripping onto bott his and lances jackets.

 "I think this answers my question," Hunk chuckled as he proceeded to carry Pidge like a bride and sat down with them still in his lap, Lance did the same. Keith had a mischievous look on his face and if Lance had gotten the chance, he would've asked him about it, but before he could even open his mouth the smaller boy shook his head from side to side, splattering everyone with water.

"oh, for fucks sake," Pidge chuckled, wiping water from their face.

"Language," Shiro piped up, earning him a few sarcastic groans and chuckles.

 Allura crawled over to Shiro and sat next to him, Coran moving in closer to the group as well.

"So, what are we going to do?" The princess questioned, looking as excited as a child on Christmas.

"Well on earth, whenever I had sleepovers we'd play this game called Cards Against Humanity; so I decided to take some initiative and make us a deck," Pidge said, smirking proudly as they pulled a small deck of black and white cards out from under the pile of cushions and blankets. No one even bothered to question when they hid it there.

"What is this game?" Coran asked, looking more than slightly curious as Pidge shuffled the white cards and passed them around. They ranged from classics like "bees?" and "dead parents" to newer, more original additions like "Sendack's sendick" and "Space Dad."

"Basically, the rules of the game are that there pretty much are no rules. Really, all you do is have someone pull a black card, and we all have to pick one of our white cards to fill in the blanks. The way you win is basically by seeing how far you can take the offensive comedy without getting punched in the face," Lance explained. At the end of it, almost everyone had barely contained laughter at the wording Lance had used, but kept it in as best they could.

 "Alright! who wants to go first?"

Two hours and many death threats later, Allura was deemed the winner of the game when she answered with "Zarkon testing HIV positive" to "Daddy, why's Mommy crying?" Keith had to explain what HIV was, but Allura managed to use it just right, earning first place.

 Keith was still in Lance's lap, having been far too comfortable to move at all, but pidge had gotten off of Hunk's legs and crawled into the middle when they decided that they had to get closer in case they needed to 'deck someone across the face.'

 With a light kiss to Keith's still damp hair, Lance asked:

"How about we play Truth or Dare next?" getting several groans in response.

"Oh my God, Lance  _no_ , you only want to play so can dare people to make out," Hunk sighed, knowing Lance all too well for this.

"I know," Lance answered, smirking proudly as the group sighed in exasperation.

"I've played thay before! it was a very popular game on Altea," Allura exclaimed with an adorably excited expression.

"Ugh, alright lets play," Pidge sighed.

 A faint 'yay!' could be heard from Allura, causing Shiro to chuckle at how cute his girlfriend could be.

"I'll go first! Shiro, truth or dare?" Allura exclaimed.

"hm... Dare," Shiro answered, mostly just so he could see the adorable face the Altean made when she was thinking.

"I dare you to... Sing for us!" The princess said with a mischievous smirk. Shiro blushed profusely and tried to weasel his way out of his dare by any means (kissing Allura, trying to escape, etc), but she wouldn't have it. In the end, Shiro was all but forced to sing, and he did so, revealing possibly the most amazing voice they'd heard so far.

 "Alright, alright. Coran! Truth or dare?"

"Truth!"

After a moment of thought, Shiro asked:

"Why are you so protective of your space goop?"

A few chuckles could be heard from the group, though they all tried their best to stay quiet incase the man got slightly...  _too_ protective of his space goop.

"Because! It's delicious and good for you! Your palettes are simply not as refined as ours," Coran said indignantly.

 "Now, Number Five! Truth or dare?" He said, drawing everyone out of their fits of laughter.

"Dare!" Pidge answered, putting their glasses on top of their head to wipe away tears of laughte from their eyes.

"I dare you to sit on Hunk's shoulders, gods know you could do with a better view," the older man said, muttering out the last part just loud enough for everyone to hear, earning him a scoff from the green paladin. Pidge walked over and crawled onto Hunk's back and then his shoulders, both chuckling when they almost lost their balance.

"Alright, Lance, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Lance answered smugly, raising an eyebrow as if to say _'come at me.'_

"I dare you and Keith to swap jackets!" They said proudly, putting their hands on their hips, but immediately putting them back on Hunk's head when they almost fell off of his shoulders.

 Lance didn't argue much- he was secretly super excited to see how adorable Keith would look in his jacket- however, Keith groaned like a child, but gave in anyway. They both stood up and traded their jackets, Keith's barely reaching down past Lance's chest seeing as it was already short on Keith, and the arms nowhere near long enough for the Cuban boys gangly stature. Lance's jacket practically swallowed Keith whole, the arms going well beyond his hands and covering his curves like a cloak. Keith blushed furiosuly as Lance put his hands out in front of him and laughed at the length of the jacket, and felt as if his face would set on literal fire as Lance pulled the hood over his still damp hair, covering half his face as it was far too long. They both sat down, Keith having to do so with his head tilted back to see what he was doing from beneath the hood.

 "Happy now?" Keith grumbled as he held the hood up with his left gloved hand so he could see comfortably.

"Very," Pidge said between laughs.

 The game carried on much the same for several hours, each dare becoming more and more bizarre as they kept going, and the truths extremely dirty. Pidge was the first to fall asleep, leaning their torso over Hunk's head and closing their eyes. Hunk slowly moved them down onto the mound of pillows and covered them with one of the blankets. Allura fell asleep next, leaning her head on Shiro's right shoulder, the occasional quiet snore muffled by Shiro's t shirt. The black paladin laid down gently, bringing Allura with him and fell asleep. Coran and Keith were next, Hunk following just minutes after.

 Lance was the only one left asleep, as he usually was during sleepovers. But he wasn't complaining, seeing as he got to lay down next to Keith and watch his boyfriend sleep peacefully. Keith had a habit of talking in his sleep and saying ridiculous things about his special interests, causing Lance to chuckle quietly and occasionally answer.

 "Fu-fucking... Mothman..." Keith mumbled as best he could with the side of his face smushed onto the pillows.

"What about him?" Lance whispered, trying as hard as he possibly could to not burst out laughing.

"All the- all the way in... Texas... so far aw-away... miss him..." Keith answered, still fast asleep.

"What if I told you I was mothman? Would you marry me?" Lance whispered, not being able to hold back a few quiet giggles as Keith furrowed his brows and lifted his head ("How is he still sleeping?") and asked:

"Huh? Fucking... Fucking moth... Man... Won't marry you... Love- love Lance more..."

 Lance almost cried when he heard Keith muttering those words, knowing how much Keith loved his cryptids. Eventually Keith laid his head back down and so did Lance, finally falling asleep with an arm wrapped tightly around his boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i delivered

**Author's Note:**

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2M0pOA4B_IM
> 
> this is the video lol
> 
> also i am aware of the spelling mistakes its 2 am and im not bothered to go back and fix them


End file.
